After All These Years

Shit. I came back here and noticed that many of you still keep me in your 'list', as in the list that shows my blog post whenever I update my ramblings. And then there is a handful of blogs on my list that failed to keep up with the blogging trend, died and resurrected as cesspools of ads and one of them even turned into a uh... um... recipe blog?

Never mind that. I'm talking to all of you who still believe that I will one day update this Internet journal. What were you thinking? I'm gone. I've moved on with my life. Now I'm an adult with responsibilities - if I could call them that. I'm now a tuition teacher, working from Thursday to Sunday, who occasionally gets paid writing factoids for Cracked.com (an American humour website) just to pay off my newly bought apartment. At the same time, I'm also doing Masters in Universiti Putra Malaysia. I'm doing Masters of Arts in English. I'm writing a thesis on Malaysian stand-up comedy. I doubt I'll ever graduate. Oh, and I've got a girlfriend who is three years older than me. I'm planning to marry that girl some time next year because I think my feeling for her is real. 

At 4 in the morning I felt the need to come back here and re-read some of my past writings and boy, do I suck. But I do feel like coming back here. I don't know why. Maybe it's the pressure I've been facing in these three years of absence. Maybe I want to come back because I miss the years where I have the time to sit around and let my mind wander. But then some of you may not even know me anymore. You only keep me in your list because you couldn't be arsed to change your templates. But if I do return, I will have to change my writing style. I'll probably have to take up another topic to write about. I don't want to write about my personal life. As you know, adult life is mundane. I do the same thing and eat the same thing every day.

Let me think about what to write about the next time I come back, if I come back. I'm thinking of starting a recipe blog.

A Reason To Cry

As a man, I take problems as it is. I don't have a reason to cry. With hope that those problems won't be too personal for me. But lately, something messed up my entire mind. I was in my hostel that time. But mind you, I don't cry over assignments. It was something else. It's about discrimination and racism.

On whose shoulder should I cry if not my mother? Heck, I won't cry anyway.

It was one day after I struggled with my difficulty to sleep and found myself woke up at 4 PM. I checked my phone and realized that it was a missed-call from my mom. I called her back, and had a conversation with her.

You know something? Don't ever talk to your mom when you feel like crying, because mothers have the ability to make their daughters and sons to weep more - while your dad have the ability to make you feel like a freaking idiot.

Right after I said 'hello' to my mom, she jumped straight to questions. "Hey baby, are you ok?" She asked. My eyes gone wet.

"Umm yeah, I'm okay", I answered, trying to cover up my voice.

"How's your studies? Did anyone pressure you? When are you coming back?"

"My studies are great. My new classmates are cool people, and yeah, life in here wouldn't have been better. I'll come back when my assignments are finished."

"Calms me up when I hear that. Do your best, okay? Don't let anyone let you down."

From that moment, I felt that my voice had betrayed me. Tears are already rolling. Every breath I take will let everyone know that I'm crying.

My mom have just gave me a reason to cry. A reason to reach out for love and protection.

I wanna go home.

Tentang Kebencian

Tanyalah diri sendiri,

berapa orang hari ini,

Telah kamu cemuh dan benci??

Kecantikan?

Seringkali apabila saya dan kawan-kawan saya berjalan-jalan di luar, mereka selalunya akan menjadi 'musang' apabila terserempak wanita-wanita yang lawa dan cantik. Bila berfikir sejenak, apakah itu kecantikan? Adakah kurus itu cantik dan gemuk itu tidak cantik? Mengapa perempuan yang 'lawa' sahaja dipilih menjadi teman wanita? Secara jujur, saya tidak akan mengambil seorang teman wanita yang mempunyai ketulan silicon di dada, susuk di muka, dan bedak putih satu badan. Saya akan menyayangi teman wanita saya, sebab itulah saya tidak mahu melihat beliau menyeksa diri semata-mata nak nampak 'cantik'.

Perempuan sering menggelabah nak mendedah kulit sebab nak nampak 'seksi'. Tahukah anda apa itu seksi? Seksi itu adalah cuba menggoda orang buat maksiat. Dosa tu! Saya pun tak tahu kenapa budaya mendedah kulit ini menarik hati ramai gadis-gadis di negara kita. Mungkin budaya ini dibawa oleh barat (kesian barat, selalu jadi 'bahan'), tetapi bila saya melihat pakaian gadis di Amerika, pakaian mereka kalah teruk dengan gadis-gadis Malaysia! Gadis Malaysia lagi 'barat' dari barat sendiri! Aduh gadis Melayu, mengapa tidak mahu memakai tudung? Tudung sudah diperkenalkan oleh agama dan budaya kamu sendiri, kenapa tidak mahu ikut? Saya lebih suka melihat perempuan yang memakai tudung daripada perempuan yang seksi, sejuk hati bila terpandang orang bertudung ni. Sibuk sangat mengikut budaya orang buat apa?

Kadangkala cara orang Malaysia nak mencantikkan diri ini nampak lebih bodoh dari barat. Orang barat pakai silicon. Orang kita pakai patung berhala. Barat cucuk Botox. Orang kita cucuk susuk. Mereka buat pembedahan. Kita buat jampi. Orang barat kalau surgery mereka gagal, muka mereka jadi macam binatang; kalau orang kita jampi fail, mereka tukar jadi hantu kum-kum. Kalau mahu buat dosa pun buatlah dosa yang kecil sikit, pakailah kaedah saintifik sikit! Kenapa nak buat dosa besar sampai nak bersyirik? Aduh, dah lah setakat nak nampak cantik sahaja. Rugilah orang macam itu. Lagipun bukannya cantik sangat pun, nampak macam orang plastik sahaja. Biasa-biasa kan dah cukup cantik?

Wajah itu satu kurniaan Tuhan. Kalau kamu mengutuk muka kamu buruk bermakna kamu mengutuk 'masterpiece' Tuhan. Ada hikmahnya di sebalik muka yang tidak diminati ini. Sekurang-kurangnya dah kurang satu kes rogol. Sekurang-kurangnya tak ada lelaki gatal nak SMS kamu setiap malam. Ada hikmahnya. Jikalau satu hari nanti ada juga lelaki yang mahukan kamu, lelaki itu sudah tentu akan mencintai kamu dengan hati yang ikhlas dan tiada nafsu seks yang macam kuda. Lagipun, wajah ini hanyalah luaran sahaja, hati nurani lah yang paling penting dan berharga sekali.